New Year, New Beginning

I have put off writing this post for ages.  So, let's just jump in, shall we?

I AM FAT

There, I said it.

Over the last two years, I have gained 22 pounds and I am now firmly in the overweight category.  I am very unhappy that I have allowed myself to get to this point.  Of course, I have many excuses for my predicament, but none of them really hold any water.  What it comes down to is a lack of caring and effort on my part.  It's easier to grab a quick meal of garbage food and then sit on my ever-expanding arse.  Much easier than say, eating well, logging my calories and exercising.  

I don't feel good - inside or out.  My knees (one of which has always given me trouble since I dislocated it years ago) are stiff and creaky, my left hip is sore and (ready for TMI?) my monthly cramps are becoming very painful.  All of these maladies are non-existent when I'm at a proper weight.  

On a more vain note, most of my clothing no longer fits - all the beautiful garments that have I sewed over the years sit idle in my closet.  And my desire to sew new outfits has dwindled to almost nothing.  Also, when I look in the mirror, I no longer see the vibrant woman that exists in my mind's eye.  I see an overweight, tired, middle aged woman that has given up.  It ain't pretty.

So, it's time for a change.  

Please don't tell me that I need to love myself more.  Trust me, I love myself - I think I'm pretty darned awesome.  And one of the reasons, I like myself so much is that I have put effort into it.  I have an excellent education that took long hours of sacrifice and study.  I'm great at my job, which takes hard work.  I am a good family member and friend, all of which takes effort.  I am an excellent seamstress and it took years of honing my craft to get to this point.  I love to learn new things and I will leave no stone unturned to develop a new skill.  Do you see the pattern?  All the things I like about my inner self are the result of work, time and effort. 

Also, please leave the "you need to embrace your body as it is" mentality out of this.  I realize that there is a real movement these days to encourage women to love themselves, no matter what size they may be.  And, although the root of the message is empowering, I think it has gone too far.  In fact, the mere suggestion that someone would want to lose weight is often regarded with disdain.  Some people I know even go so far as to inappropriately exclaim that a thin woman "really needs to eat a sandwich."  For some, it has become a fat pack mentality - it's okay for me to be fat, as long as other people are fat too.  Believe me, I have fallen prey to this as well.  Over the past year I have often put off getting back in shape because I would reason that I'm thinner than most people, so I must be doing okay.  What a cop out on my part.
 
Please understand that I have no problems with folks choosing to be fat, nor do I have issues with them loving the body that they have.  My aggravation occurs because of the intimation by some that a desire to lose weight (through healthy eating and exercise) is letting down all of woman kind.  Recently, when discussing my need to lose weight, I was actually told that I shouldn't mention my goal to my students or I could "turn" some of them anorexic.  Um, yeah.

I will not let this daunt me though.  I continuously work hard on my inner self (it's always a work in progress), so it's time start working on my outer self again.  I have a goal, I have a plan and I have the means.  So, it's time to start the hard work.

I wasn't sure whether or not to share this on my blog.  It is deeply personal and I may be opening up myself to comments that will annoy, sadden or anger me.  But, I am more likely to stick to my plan if I put it out into the universe.

And just to keep myself honest, here I am today, heading down to walk on the treadmill in my basement.  I cannot believe I am actually going to share this picture with the world.  But, I am.  Please be gentle.

I am wearing no make up and I haven't fixed my bed-flattened hair. I have not sucked in my stomach or turned to a flattering angle.  I am not wearing clothing designed to camouflage my "trouble spots" and I haven't cropped out the bits I don't like.  This is me, as I am, right now.  A friend told me I was brave to post this photo for the world to see.  (I'm thinking that there is a thin line between bravery and insanity.)  But, I figure if I have a record of where I started, I can stay motivated and encouraged as I watch my progress unfold pictorially over the next few months. 

It's a brand new year, with brand new possibilities.  I refuse to let 2012 go by without at least trying to create a brand new physical version of me. If anyone would like to join me on my journey, I welcome the camaraderie and support.

So, here's to a new year, a new beginning .... and less ass fat.